How Bad is it?

Perspective is a funny thing.  Very rarely am I universally wrong; it’s just I’m obsessing on details or not paying attention to the big picture.  So I start feeling helpless and start feeling hopeless.  On the down side of things, it could be that my children are behaving badly – why is it sometimes that just absolutely rocks my world?  My kids, my beautiful, energetic, sensitive, selfish, demanding kids can absolutely throw me into a tizzy just by having one argument or one complaint too many.  And then I start asking the big questions:  What am I doing?  How could things possibly have gotten so bad without me noticing?  Does the fact that I give my everything to my family even matter in the big picture?  Will they still be fighting when they’re 20?  40?

Am I really giving my everything?  Could I be giving more?

I blog – that’s not for my family.  (Well, in a round-about way it is – writing is cheaper than therapy – and I don’t have to hire a babysitter).

And what about all that time I spend on Pinterest?  That’s all about me, not them.

So, like, is that okay that I don’t really give my everything to my family?

I just give them my most everything.

Am I doing enough?  Am I enough?

Almost every stinkin morning when I wake up I think to myself, “I’m going to spend some quality time with the Middles today – I’ll read to them or craft with them, or heck, maybe we’ll even bake some cookies.”

And then lunch comes, and with all the quantity time I spend with them, there’s just not enough time – or enough me – for quality time.

Then all I want to do is be alone for a while.

How bad is that?  Understandable but terrible?  I say I want to homeschool, I say I want to be home with my kids, but once the Littles are down for their naps, I want to be alone?

I wonder if they know.

How bad would that be?

In my Mary Poppins fantasy, I am a delightful mother all morning long with the kiddos.  After lunch I tuck everyone in for their quiet time and I sneak off for mine.  Exactly one hour later I emerge from my bedroom all smiles and delightful once again, and we enjoy every moment of the next four hours together.

In reality, I spend a lot of that first hour telling Noah to get back in bed and reminding my Middles it’s quiet time.  At the end of the quiet time hour, I’m still engrossed in whatever internet project I’m working on, trying to unstress from the stressful quiet time hour.

Do you ever think to yourself, “It shouldn’t be this hard”?

I do.

And I used to scoff at the idea that the average child asks something like 400 questions a day.  Keep in mind, I still have six kiddos at home.  And the 3-year-old just started this morning with the unending questions, you know, the ones where one question leads to another question which leads to another question.  The ones where you think your child is purposefully trying to drive you out of your mind (seriously, he is!)

I don’t scoff any more.

Tomorrow is Thursday.

I hope it’s a good day.

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8 thoughts on “How Bad is it?”

  1. I don’t know how a mother of 6 at home could sort all this out and feel satisfied that’s she been the p-e-r-f-e-c-t mother and is taking care of herself as well.

    Whether they’re fighting at 20 or 40 is not your concern; it’s theirs.

    This is a very stressful time for you and Andrew, plus the kids have adjusting to do too. Don’t expect the impossible from anyone, especially yourself.

    1. Love that – whether they’re fighting at 20 or 40 is not your concern; it’s theirs. Gotta reemember that. Of course I won’t need it because of course they will be each other’s best friends by the time they are 18 at least, right? 🙂

  2. Oh, how we mothers all have the same days. I have all of these thoughts on a daily basis. Last Friday was the day from hell, the next day was awesome. Friday I felt like the worse mother on the planet, Saturday I felt like I was doing all right. Hang in there mama:)

    1. Geeze, do you have my life, or what?
      I was seriously starting to think I might be heading towards being bipolar. It really is like that – one day all is awesome, man, I’ve got this down! The next is so discouraging. I guess it goes with the territory.

  3. Bless your heart! You’ve just hit one of those “phases” – YES – you are doing enough and more besides! I watch my daughter with my beautiful granddaughter (that’s right – just one child) and know that there isn’t much time for her to be herself each day, and not many alternatives. BUT, like you she is a great believer in giving your children the best that is possible, and homeschool for an autistic child in this school district is an absolute. And my granddaughter is flourishing, and happy all the time, rarely a frown. YOU need to take care of you, though, and that is SO EASY for one to say…not so easy to do. If you think about the mom your kids get when you have a little bit of distance, little bit of talking to other grown-ups, little bit of feeding your own soul – isn’t that THEIR pay off, too?! Go easy on yourself, mama, you are doing a terrific job. And the huge, sharing heart that you have for others will reward you one day! Vent away….it really does help! Have a happy day!

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